A mother’s love

My previous blog post titled Test Day is part of our 2nd go at IVF story which took place late 2016/early 2017. I will continue recounting those events over the next few months. I want to have it all out of my system before we gear up to go again.

Speaking of gearing up. Tristan and I planning to take our 5th shot at IVF this year. But first I have a little favour to ask. If you read my blog and happen to be a Mum, I’d love for you to send me a personal message telling me what you love about motherhood. Tell me what makes it all worthwhile. I need to hear it.

Lately I’ve found myself wondering why we keep putting ourselves through such torture? Am I just obsessed with the “idea” of having my own “perfect” little family? Is it because we always want what we don’t have? Do I just want to be the centre of attention at a beautifully styled baby shower? I’ve spent a lot of money on other people’s kids!

Apart from Tristan acting like a negative old man from the age of 19 he’s a pretty good catch. We have a happy home and the freedom to do as we please. We sleep sahhh soundly. Do we really want to spend another big chunk of money? Further weaken my already fragile emotional state? And then if we are lucky get pregnant and not sleep for the next 18 years? This future child and I may not even like one another!

Tristan played soccer for years. I was a big supporter. Well from a far. Doing things, you enjoy is important. So is health and fitness.  I just enjoyed different things. His team thought he was making me up. All of their wives and families would be there week in week out cheering them on from ugly and somewhat uncomfortable camp style chairs. Over the years I think I went to maybe 2 games. 1 of the 2 he split his head open. I’m not even sure how. I didn’t notice him lying on the field oozing blood. I was too busy enjoying my Sunday beverage chatting to friends. My point is I’m never going to be a soccer mum. I don’t want to spend my weekends driving our kids from one sporting or social engagement to another. The older we get the more used to our kid-less life I become. I want to forever do the stuff I enjoy. Will I ever enjoy kids parties offering up fairy bread? Endless homework I don’t even understand? Brunch dates spent chasing your kid around instead of catching up with your friends because said kid saw a bird or a swing? I THINK NOT.

I love how open and honest most mums are these days. It’s the worlds hardest gig. Sharing your struggles is important. And no matter the journey we all need the support of others. I can’t even begin to properly express how much I admire all of the amazing Mumma’s I know.

I know it’s not all roses. I also know no one truly understands something unless you’ve lived it yourself. So I’m sure when I eventually become a mum I too will be like WTF

But due to our difficult journey hearing pregnant / new mums complain about missing their precious wine or that their baby weight isn’t dropping off quickly enough makes my eyes twitch. I’ve given up alcohol more than once and gained some solid IVF related weight yet still don’t have a baby to show for it. It’s like dude pick your audience. I’m not it.

If you know me you would already know I’m you tube obsessed. One video leading to another and another and then without even realising I’ve watched 13, 1 hour episodes of 2014 big brother. Don’t ask! Another secret you tube obsession of mine is watching peoples labour videos. I live for that first look they take at their precious baby. The first cry. The first hold. It’s the closest to a fly on a wall I’ve ever been. I just soak up all the raw emotion and it gives me strength. It helps solidify my desire to keep going.

I need to hear more of the good stuff. The stuff that makes your heart swell. I need to understand this primal desire I have to create a family with Tristan. Tell me why despite good sense I keep trying? Is it their soft little hands? The way they look at you their parent? I imagine it’s so different to the way they look at anyone else. Tell me everything. and let me know if it’s ok to share. I’d love to compile a blog post of mothers love. I know it’s mighty.

xo

 

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